In a break from tradition, this weekend’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner will be hosted not by a comedian, but rather by a mentalist. The move was clearly done as to not offend Donald Trump, who will be attending the dinner for the first time since he became president.
On his late-night show Thursday, Jimmy Kimmel took “a page from the Kid Rock alternative halftime show” and staged his own faux All-American White House Correspondents’ Dinner, “performing jokes a comedian might do if our president wasn’t a trembling drama queen who’s scared of comedy.”
Here’s the full transcript:
“Look at you all dressed up in formal wear: dresses, tuxedos. I haven’t seen this much black since every page of the Trump-Epstein files.
“We’re going to have fun tonight. And I’m happy you decided to stay, Mr. President. And don’t worry, if we bruise your ego, it’ll only make your hands look less disgusting. I heard the President didn’t want me to tell any jokes about him tonight, but he also didn’t want to pay me $130,000 to shut up. So, here we are: Sorry, mushroom d*ck.
“By the way, in the unfortunate event that our President has a medical emergency tonight, do we have a doctor in the house? I mean, I’m sorry… I mean, do we have a Jesus in the house? I always confuse them, too. I get why you think you’re Jesus. This guy—every time he walks into a room, people say, ‘Christ, he’s back.’ You’re looking good though, Mr. President. Who did your makeup? Kraft Singles.
“As the President will tell you repeatedly until you beg him to stop, President Trump has accomplished so much during his second term. He passed new incentives for oil and gas. He put the brakes on solar and wind. That will be your legacy, sir: breaking wind and passing gas.
“I do have to ask though, why do you hate windmills so much? Is it because they can still get turned on by being blown? Marco [Rubio] knows what I’m talking about. He’s been there. But I do want to praise the progress. Look how far you’ve come. 30 years ago, you’re just some rich guy on Jeffrey Epstein’s private jet out of Teterboro. But you worked hard. You stayed friends. You shared some wonderful secrets. And because of that, you’re able to fly on that plane seven more times. Dreams really do come true.
“And of course, our First Lady, Melania, is here. So beautiful. Mrs. Trump, you have a glow like an expectant widow. You know, Melania’s birthday is on Sunday. She’s planning to celebrate at home the same way she always does: looking out a window and whispering, ‘What have I done?’
“As you’re all aware, Melania is a movie star now. Her documentary had a score of 10% on Rotten Tomatoes, which is a website named after her husband’s testicles. And I want to congratulate you, Madam First Lady, on your huge accomplishment: the world’s first motionless picture. And before we go any further, Melania, this is Donald. Donald, this is Melania. That was my impression of Jeffrey Epstein. Pretty good, right?
“I do have an important announcement, and I’m sorry to say it’s bad news: JD Vance is here. It’s hard to get JD to come to an event like this. He’s a real homebody. His wife had to peel him off the couch. And that reminds me, please do not get up from your seats during the performance because the Vice President will hump them.
“What a group of patriots. Oh, look who we have here: Steven Miller. Which one of you said his name three times? Steven Miller is so racist, the reason he went bald is because his hair was black. Steven Miller puts the ‘cist’ in white supremacist. He’s like if baby Hitler traveled in time to kill us…
“So many stars are here tonight: Mel Gibson, Rob Schneider, Kanye is with us, Roseanne is here. The whole cast of Who Used to be a Millionaire is here. And if anyone starts any trouble, fear not, because FBI Director Kash Patel is standing by. Waitress, can we get Kash a vodka soda and a booster seat, please?
“You know, Trump announced that he wants to reopen Alcatraz, and Kash was like, ‘You had me at Alca.’ I’m not saying Kash Patel has a problem, but his designated driver is Pete Hegseth. Pete’s hair has more oil in it right now than the Strait of Hormuz. And don’t worry about the strait; Pete has a plan. I know that for a fact. His wife accidentally butt-texted the plans to me. And there you go. Later on, Pete’s going to read us a Bible passage from Pulp Fiction, so stick around.
“But Pete’s working hard to keep our country safe, and RFK Jr. is working out to make us healthy again. Bobby Kennedy—this is a crazy story—years ago, he wrote in his diary that he pulled his car over to the side of the road to carve the p*nis out of a raccoon. His whole family was in the car. And his son asked him, ‘Dad, why did you do that? Why did you chop the p*nis off a dead animal?’ And he looked at his son and said, ‘Because I’m a psychopath. Now get out of this car and go get measles.’
“Hey, speaking of psychopath sons, how about a round of applause for Eric and Don Jr., who are here tonight. Hey guys, what’s up? If there’s time, maybe I can introduce you to your father later on, huh? So Don Jr. and his fiancé just had their bridal shower at Mar-a-Lago. And the rumor is that their wedding might happen at the White House, which, wouldn’t that be amazing? We could see a Donald Trump get married and a Donald Trump get divorced in the same building. The wedding will be just like Don Jr.’s veneers: big and white.
“Hey, I don’t know what you’re laughing about [Eric]. When Eric was born, he was so ugly, his father asked Pam Bondi to redact his name from the birth certificate. Eric, I’m so sorry you were able to make it tonight, but you look great. You look like an elbow with a face on it.
“Tickets to this event were very difficult to get. Not everyone was invited. Kristi Noem isn’t here, but actually her husband is. And where is her husband? Oh, there he—oh, no, wait. I’m sorry. That’s Marjorie Taylor Greene. But I get why Kristi stayed home. If my husband had t*ts like that, I wouldn’t leave the house either.
“All right, I’m almost out of time. Brendan Carr is giving me the light. Brendan Carr is the head of the FCC. Back in September, he tried to get my affiliates to throw me off the air. He said we could do this the easy way or the hard way. Same thing he said to Lindsey Graham ten minutes ago in the all-gender restroom. By the way, where is Lindsey Graham? I know he’s here. I saw his Little Mermaid bubble wand in the cloakroom. Can someone please ping Lindsey on Grindr? Oh, there you are. You sexy little warmonger.
“What a night. You guys have been so great. And in all seriousness, I do want to thank the President. We are the hottest country in the world right now. And that’s all because of you, sir. You truly are the GOAT—and a monkey, and a pig. You made America great again, and you’ve made comedy great again. And that is why I am very proud to announce the winner of the inaugural Burger King of Comedy Gold Award goes to none other than our President, Donald J. Leno Trump. Congratulations!”
